How the term rose to prominence - and whether it is another wolf in sheep’s clothing  for women.

While scrolling through TikTok, you stumble across a video of an actress shooting a mean glance in the direction of her female co-star. Scroll again, and you see a video where a young woman explains her distaste for female friendships. The comment sections on both of the videos are similar; hundreds of commenters repeat the phrase: “she’s not a girl’s girl.” 

A “girl’s girl” is a woman who supports other women. Being a “girl’s girl” often includes telling women they are beautiful or making them “appear better” in front of their crush. It can also look like cultivating close female friendships or advocating for another woman in a room full of men. In short, being a “girl’s girl” is about women behaving in a positive manner towards each other. 

“Girl’s girls” are a reaction to the viral “pick-me girl” trend, which takes its name from a scene in Grey’s Anatomy wherein the title character asks her married boyfriend to “pick” her over his wife. “Pick-me girls” are generally considered the worst possible type of woman. Originally, the term only applied to women who disparage their female friends to impress men, but has grown to apply to any woman who “unjustly” criticizes or presents herself as better than other women. This ranges from flirting with another woman’s partner, to comparing oneself to another woman, or behaving rudely towards a female friend. 

It is difficult to pinpoint the origin of “girl’s girl,” but it appeared on TikTok in 2023 and immediately exploded in popularity. Women widely championed female solidarity and celebrated the uniqueness of the female community. This fad ultimately led to a celebration of girlhood and the embrace of all things girly, including bows, flowers, and the color pink. It seemed like every woman wanted to be a “girl’s girl,” and women collectively fought misogyny by promoting togetherness.

This outburst of community, however, had near-immediate consequences. While on the search for “girl’s girls,” women and girls who displayed “pick-me” behavior were hunted and disparaged. A remark about preferring male friendships over female friendships led to a comment section flooded with negative remarks about the woman who made the post. Women’s actions were carefully scrutinized, and common behaviors were assigned labels and vilified. Despite the apparent increase in solidarity, women were still put down by other women in the name of being supportive of girlhood. 

Female celebrities often see the most scrutiny when it comes to being a “girl’s girl.” When actress Millie Bobby Brown admitted she does not have many female friends, commenters immediately labeled her as a “red flag” and claimed she is “not ready” for her pending wedding with Jake Bongiovi. Many viciously attacked Angela Bassett after she showed disappointment at losing the 2023 Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress to Jamie Lee Curtis. Both of these situations can be easily explained: Brown grew up on a TV set with very few girls, and Bassett had every right to be upset at losing one of the most prestigious awards in acting. However, the internet’s so-called “girl’s girls” behaved in a reactionary manner without taking into account the lives and feelings of the women they belittled. 

The negative effects of the “girl’s girl” movement should not be a surprise. While being a “girl’s girl” seems easy enough to execute, a long history of sexism and “othering” has forced women to perceive other women as competition. A woman cannot just be one of five women at her workplace: she must also compete to be the prettiest, the smartest, the most reliable, the kindest. Sisters are often labeled as “the athletic one” or “the hot one,” each label mutually exclusive and each accompanied by a completely different treatment. Mothers, too, are pitted against each other; from the moment their children are born, they hear comparisons regarding their postpartum bodies and methods for raising children. 

Unfortunately for “girl’s girls,” it is extremely difficult to unlearn bad habits. Instead of making snide comments about a woman’s body or outfit, they tell women they are not conducting themselves in what is quickly becoming the “appropriate manner.” Regardless of intent, this criticism disregards a woman’s life experiences.

That is not to say all criticism from “girl’s girls” is unwarranted. Some women truly behave in a manner that disparages other women. These women need to be confronted with their actions and reminded that women should support each other, not tear each other down. The internet, however, does not support compassion. It has created a culture of immediacy, with some users believing that all necessary information about a situation can be found in one post. Most users don’t look to genuinely help someone; they wish to call them out on their behavior. This constant negativity breeds both “pick-me” and “girl’s girls.” 

The concept of the “girl’s girl” has excellent intentions, but has proven to be destructive. While women supporting women should always be promoted, disparaging women should not. “Girl’s girls” show the world that women will no longer tolerate unsupportive communities, but there is a long way to go. Despite subversively promoting negativity, the “girl’s girl” movement is helping women reexamine their attitudes and work towards a more positive future.