Why Are We So Obsessed With Situationships?
Our generation has always lamented the situationship as a source of anguish and defeat amidst today’s already discouraging world of dating. Despite all odds, however, it is here to stay, and—I believe—for good reason.
The subtle rise of the (sometimes) dreaded “situationship.” Defined by Dictionary.com as “a romantic or sexual relationship that is undefined and noncommittal,” I laugh every time I remember this term popping up during my literature review for one of my psychology classes. It is so relevant that it has even penetrated scholarly academic journals. I say “dreaded” because the popular discourse around these quasi-relationships tends to be overwhelmingly negative, with valid outcries of, “Why won’t they just commit!” and “I can’t keep doing this.” Relationships lacking proper communication and commitment can be some of the most frustrating experiences for people wanting more, especially for us anxious-ambivalent types, you know. However, you’ll also notice that I threw in the “sometimes” caveat, not because we need to be more grateful or something awful like that, but instead because the implications of situationships dominating our dating sphere may bode well for the direction society is moving (bear with me).
SYEDA SAFDAR // FLAT HAT MAGAZINE
Our generation’s trend toward situationships is no coincidence—I would even go so far as to claim that it has been a shift of collective intention. We are getting a little sick of dating, and our reaction is to simply…not. This speculation could be a moment of cognitive dissonance on my part, trying to make myself feel better about never having had a serious relationship. And this is not to say that no one is dating because that is, of course, not true. However, I really do believe that more and more young people are beginning to make the conscious intention to stay—relatively—single. And I don’t think it has to be a bad thing.
What we are witnessing is a societal shift in our conscious priorities. Finding love, starting a family, white picket fence, et cetera, et cetera is not the only thing we have going for us anymore. Love can be something we let fade into the background while we pursue other ways of making ourselves happy. I think about our parents’ generation and how their search for love was much more need-based than ours. Consider the famous words of Amy March from the 2019 adaptation of Little Women (ignore that it takes place a hundred years before our parents), “Don't sit there and tell me that marriage isn't an economic proposition, because it is.” The gender roles are starting to give way a little bit, which grants everyone permission (and encouragement) to pursue a life of independence, self-sufficiency, and contentment.
What we are learning is how to make our single lives genuinely fulfilling so that being in a relationship is not so dire a need. The sad reality is that many people avoid being single so intensely that they will settle for any person or experience, even if it does not add to their quality of life. We are discovering life outside the obsessions of love. The process of giving attention to other aspects of our lives is known as building our self-complexity. This can come in a multitude of forms: working toward a career or lifestyle, cultivating our hobbies and interests, or even simply taking care of our health and well-being. As we nurture our lives to be peaceful and satisfying, we let go of this dependency on romantic relationships, and the stakes begin to lower.
Enter: situationships. We are now “obsessed” with a new type of relationship that is loosely defined and based on exploring, being present, and accepting whatever outcome finds us. We can enjoy the process of learning about ourselves through someone else and acknowledge the value of self-growth as the only result. I will concede that it is a tricky line to walk in practice. We are fickle creatures who like having control, so we force everything to be black and white. Dating or not. Committed or not. Romantic or not. I’m quite proud of us for learning to embrace the gray. Humans are too complicated to be shunted into categories, which is naturally manifesting itself today in the form of situationships.
Now, part of the valid frustration of situationships is that missing sense of, well, love. If we do start desiring more, these types of relationships can begin to sting with unrequitedness. How are we still tolerating this, then? What is protecting us from loneliness? The answer lies in an unexpected blessing of downplaying the importance of romantic relationships, which is that we now have room for love of other kinds that exist all around us.
Situationships compel us to find the emotional intimacy we usually crave from romance in other settings, particularly our platonic friendships. In the most hopeful sense, romantic love becomes more sacred, while non-romantic love becomes more abundant. The coinciding rise of situationships and queerness are right on par for our generation: yet another example of the beauty of rejecting arbitrary boxes we are told to fit into. As we strengthen our platonic bonds, the line between romantic love and platonic love can begin to blur, giving way to a beautiful type of closeness that doesn’t quite fit within our heteronormative construction of love.
So, while the journey can be fraught, situationships are just one of the most visible examples of our generation getting comfortable with the unknown. They might not be our enemy after all. Rather, they may be setting us free—free to explore, free to fall, and free to love.